Honestly, I don't know why I am writing this, all I know is that at this moment in time my life is not in the best of places, I am not in the best of places and I don't know who to turn or talk to, so I'm hoping that by some merciful miracle this will help me.
I guess I should start with my family first. Only I don't know where to start. My step dad has manic depression which basically means that he is verging on suicidal, sort tempered, cant sleep and likes everything perfect … only, he doesn't know what perfect is. He spends all his time painting and decorating and slowly destroying the house and any attempt to stop him only gets him angry. I have to sit there everyday and listen to him and my mum argue over everything, I have to watch as my mum's heart breaks as she watches him deteriorate. It kills her. So as a result they both drink, a lot, they come in everyday at the the late hours of the night screaming at each other, screaming at me for no reason, I have to sit their and watch as my parents stumble around pathetically, its humiliating and painful, I have to sit in my room, alone and silent listening to it all and it kills me. Every night of this I feel more and more empty.
My dad, I don't know why I try and impress him so much for I do, but I feel as if he never really sees me for me, he sees who he wants to see, the son he always wanted, his sporty, popular son who gets a different girl every night. And I don't understand why he can't just see me for who I really am and accept it. But he doesn't so I try and be the son he wants which only kills me more as try and be someone I'm not. I have to fake my life. I just want hi to accept me to be proud of who I really am.
Recently my brothers mum died, a couple of weeks ago, my brother and dad are distraught. I can't bear to see them like that, so lost. I couldn't tell my friends about it, I barely knew her but talking about it jut reminded me of my brother and dad and … I couldn't handle that. I cant stand to see them look like how I look all the time.
Everyone expects me to be perfect. My parents shout at me for getting B's, which is about the only time they seem to notice me. My teachers all expect me to do amazing. Even other kids seem to expect me to do amazing, the head boy, top of everything. But it's impossible, I spend every night revising or doing coursework or panning some event or organising some drama or writing some speech or doing someone else's work or just trying to keep up. I miss meals, miss sleep, I can feel my health deteriorating as I put myself through this torture to live up to the impossible standards around me but I have to do it.
I have friends but no-one I can really talk to, I have a lot of people I hang around with but I'm only close enough to one person to talk about this stuff, but I can't. I feel so ashamed, his life seems so perfect how can I reveal how terrible mine is and why should he have to deal with my problems. Which is why I always feel the way I do. I feel completely and utterly alone. I could be in a crowded room, with friends or in my own room but I still feel alone, separate from everything else. It's a disgusting feeling, like no-one can help you, like you are all alone. Every moment I feel like I could break down into tears.
And because of all of this people judge me. And it is my fault, everything is messed up and I feel like I have no control over anything, so I TRY to control everything and just push people away. Some people hate me because of how I do at school, not knowing of the torture I put myself through everyday to get it and others hate how controlling I am while I try and clutch at the last pieces of control I have left. People see to think my life is so amazing but no-one really knows me, no-on really knows what I go through. The nights I spend curled up on myself just wishing for … I don't even know what I wish for, or the every moment I spend completely secluded. Even if anyone reads this they still wont understand because none of them have gone through this.
So I guess I write this not just for me but for everyone out there who is jealous of me or judges me or dislikes me. Now you know the real me. Vulnerable, Lonely. Lifeless.